[girl] And pop, pop, pop, pop.
Pop, pop, pop, pop.
Turn, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Pop, pop, pop.
Ladies, I feel like I'm trapped inside a Jell-O factory.
Dawn, your booty needs to pop like that whitehead on your chin.
[Dawn gasps]
Ah!
Look, someone who doesn't look like Jessica Simpson having a seizure.
Finally.
Great form. Firm and crisp.
Um, I'll handle the critiques, you handle the football.
Bye-bye.
Bianca. [laughs] Hi.
Why are you not in your penguin suit?
Good question!
I thought I'd learn the routine.
Because, God forbid, someone gets sick
or hurt or pregnant! Thanks a lot, Juno.
Mm...
Yeah, you're the mascot.
Embrace it, or end up the girls' manager of the softball team. OK?
[Chastity] Gather 'round, girls! Gather 'round.
[clears throat]
Now, you all elected me head cheerleader...
And me, vice-head cheerleader.
Where was l?
You all elected me head cheerleader on a platform of change.
And not just superficial change, like featuring our hot girls more,
but a massive redirection of our cheer program.
And today, at this very moment, change has come to our squad.
Introducing...
...The Pompeii.
[cheering]
A pom-pom so hot, it erupts with school spirit.
The latest in cheer technology,
and we are the only squad in the state who has them.
[cheering]
Yippee! Yippee! [laughing]
Megan, enough!
They're a hundred bucks a pair. Bring me checks by the pep rally, OK?
Um, Chastity...
Some of our parents feel uniforms are too expensive.
- We can't ask for more money. - Seriously?
OK, raise your hand if you're poor.
We could have a fundraiser!
- I don't have time... - I'll plan everything! Don't worry.
It'll be great. I promise!
OK. But no bake sale.
The last thing this school needs is more fat people.
[Chastity grunts]
[indistinct chatter]
My hero. What else can you open?
[rock music plays]
[door creaks]
Finally, a fully formed female.
I am so over freshmen.
- I do not find retainers hot. - What the hell are you doing in here?
My doctor says I suffer from gender confusion.
Are you confused that a fully formed female could kick your ass?
Oh, no. I'm confused about how to get into your pants.
Ooh! Such a tigress.
[theme music plays]
Ugh... Blech!
[father] Are you watching that documentary on animal testing again?
I'd rather look at bunnies without eyelids
than these yearbook photos I took today.
It looks like one of those herpes commercials
where everyone is so happy, despite the fact that they have herpes!
Herpes? I know firsthand that's nothing to smile about.
I'm a gynecologist.
[# Carolina Liar: I'm Not Over]
- Kat, I need your help. - Finally.
First step is admitting you have a problem.
The next step is making you a brunette again.
[laughs] Oh, my God, that's so funny.
- [laughs] - I need help thinking up a fundraiser.
- A fundraiser? - A fundraiser?
All I could think of is those commercials
for the skinny kids in Africa.
OK. I'm gonna let that offense go since this is for charity.
- What do you need to raise money for? - New pom-poms.
- OK, I'm done here. - Why don't you try a car wash?
The summer before sophomore year...
Something really boring happened. Awesome story, Dad.
A car wash? I love it. Thanks, Daddy!
[Kat] Great idea, Dad.
Half-naked cheerleaders, wet and soapy, standing on the street asking for money.
- No car wash. - Daddy!
- No car wash! Can you get it? - [doorbell rings]
Tell you about the cakewalk for the badminton club?
Multiple times.
[Bianca] Dad, it's your girlfriend.
Mail me to another family.
OK, but first, here's your dad's package.
I don't wanna think about my dad's package.
Carla, hi.
- She's adorable. - Don't let her fool you. She's 1 5.
She's dangerous.
I was the same way.
Now, the only thing dangerous in my life
is the chance that one of these packages has anthrax in it.
You didn't order any, did you?
Oh, no. I was...
- It's a model plane. - That is sweet.
- Here's your toy. - Toy?
Model planes are collector's items.
- Oh. - That I stage fake dogfights with.
[laughs, imitates plane engine, shooting]
Hey, who am I to judge? I'm hooked on Guitar Hero.
I like to pretend I'm Stevie Nicks.
Well, before she started looking like a Wiccan bag lady.
Guitar Hero, huh? What is that?
It's this guitar karaoke thingy.
You should come over, see for yourself. I got two guitars.
We could... form a band.
I'd love to, but... I'm in a band already.
Of course you are.
Lesson learned, do not hit on a man wearing rubber gloves.
Enjoy your package.
On behalf of all of us at World Send Delivery,
have a pleasant day.
Should we talk about what just happened here?
I'd love to. But wait, what's that I hear?
Bunnies crying.
[speaking French]
[gasps]
- Did you understand what I said? - See, that's the problem.
Great with the repeating, not so great with the understanding.
But I'm guessing it was about flowers.
- Props for bringing props, by the way. - Those are for...
A carnation sale!
That's perfect!
You're a genius, Cameron!
I gotta start planning!
I almost took your flowers. How rude!
[speaking French]
I can't wait for you to see me in action with new pom-poms.
I have to figure out how to wear my hair with them.
They have volume, like my hair.
I just don't want it to seem like
I'm trying to have my hair match the pom-poms, you know?
- Joey, honey. I'm talking. - Sorry.
- Sorry. This sounds important. - [Bianca on TV],,,now you can,
With one of these beautiful carnations,
Red is for romance, yellow for friendship,
Each fragrant blossom is only two dollars,
And all the money collected goes to a very important cause :,
The Feed The Skinny Children Pom-Pom Memorial Foundation,
Don 't wait! Tell that special someone just how you feel,
OK, let's go.
Bye, Stacy. Bye, Mandy.
Use that last one. I had pouty lips with just a hint of teeth.
T oo bad, I think I saw a glare from your devil horns, Beelzebub.
OK, I don't know what that means, but I'm offended.
You're sowing fear and misery among the student body
just so you can buy new pom-poms.
First, I don't sew.
And second, I'm giving people the chance to tell someone they care.
- It's actually kind of nice of me. - This is high school.
- People don't tell how they feel. - That's what I thought.
But it turns out they want to. After all, we made over $400 today.
I'm sure we'll double that once people steal from their parents.
People aren't buying flowers to tell people they care.
They hope somebody's gonna buy them one.
Nobody wants to be the one loser in the school without a flower.
Wah, wah. Sounds like somebody's afraid she's not gonna get one.
Please, I don't need a flower to feel good about myself.
- That's your department. - Wow, that's so not true.
So, what happens tomorrow if you don't get a flower?
I'll just go home sick...
...and never come back. [chuckles]
Thanks.
- [girl] Two. - Ooh!
Two carnations. Four dollars.
Thank you.
- Red or yellow? - It would be red.
One red carnation, please, and I've already filled out the tag.
I like to be prepared.
Must be that Boy Scout training.
[chuckles]
Two dollars.
Thank you.
- Cameron, how's it going? - Not so good.
I feel weird.
Ever since Bianca got here, my head has been filled with rainbows and Enya.
The sooner I tell her how I feel, the sooner I can get back to normal.
Wow, you actually think you have a shot.
I applaud that positive attitude!
Thanks, P. Diddy.
I cashed one of my bar mitzvah savings bonds
- so I could buy a hundred flowers. - You don't know that many girls.
- They're all for me. - Oh, that seems...
-...not right. - No, no, Cameron, it's inspired.
When the girls see me carrying all these flowers,
they'll wonder, "Who's that guy?"
Or they'll think you're a float.
- Hey... - Hey, Cameron.
- [Bianca] I'm here for my shift. - Thank God.
Hopefully, this is the last time I'll ever have to handle money.
- Credit is so much cleaner. - Yeah.
I've been dying to see if anyone sent me a flower.
That's one of the perks of being on the squad.
- We get to peek. - Oh, darn!
You're the mascot. You don't have security clearance.
But I planned this whole thing.
So this must be shocking news for you. Damn our strict intelligence policy!
We can't change the rules for you or we'd have to change for everyone.
And then the terrorists win.
- I'm confused. - I'll bet you are.
I'll see you at the pep rally. OK? Bye.
- [girl] One carnation. - [chuckles]
Two dollars. I'll just take your thing there.
If Bobby doesn't send me a flower,
I swear I'll never give him a lap dance again.
[Kat clears throat]
Mind making room for someone who wants to use the sink?
Wait your turn.
Oh, yearbook photo girl!
- Want a pic? - [Kat] Thanks,
but I have plenty of shots of girls who need attention from boys
to prop up their self esteem.
[girls giggle]
Bye-bye.
That was awesome! It's like your mouth knows kung fu.
High school is like Vietnam and these stupid flowers are Agent Orange.
So you're not hoping to get one? Not even a teeny-tiny bit?
From who? Every guy here has the depth of an inflatable kiddie pool.
What about Patrick Verona?
I would rather lick that toilet seat. Why would you even ask me that?
I just saw him in line buying a flower, that's all.
That's impossible. He would never...
Kat. Other woman.
Just pretend I'm not here. Especially if you were changing.
Mandella, pervy troll. Pervy troll, Mandella. Let's go.
[indistinct chatter]
Is that it?
That can't be it. Are you sure?
[sobbing]
I showed you my flower, now you show me yours.
Leave me alone!
Just take this one and shut up!
You girls are late. Where were you?
We were having sex with the soccer team.
- It took longer than expected. - Funny.
- Young lady... - Usually, I enjoy this,
but this time let it go.
She's had a tough day. Nobody sent her a stinking carnation.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry, are you experiencing sympathy?
Don't get me wrong.
She really shouldn't let someone else's opinion affect her like this.
Who cares if some guy she's barely met didn't spend two bucks to buy a flower.
All she knows about this guy is that he's rumored to be a cannibal.
Still, when she didn't get one, it upset her.
But what's even more upsetting
is that she let herself care in the first place.
She's so pathetic.
Poor Bianca.
I'm gonna go tell her that she's right.
No guy should be able to make her doubt how amazing she is.
But I'm also gonna tell her
that part of high school is getting hurt. There's no way to avoid it.
She's just gonna have to learn to pick herself up and move on.
You should tell her that.
She'd really appreciate it.
But to have any credibility at all,
you might wanna take off your wedding ring.
Whoo!
[girl] I can't believe it! I mean, seriously!
Hey, Karen, want a flower? I got way too many yesterday.
Later.
- Michael, what are you doing? - They wait until last period
to pass out carnations so nobody saw me with these.
Just wanna get my money's worth.
Speaking of, was Bianca's flower worth your two bucks?
I haven't heard from her, but I'm choosing to be positive.
She's repulsed by me, but cares enough to not reject me in public.
- That's one theory. - [boy] Nice basket, dork.
[laughs] Good one, Ryan! Got me.
[Cameron] Hey, Bianca.
I'm in such a crappy mood, Cameron. Cheer me up and I'll love you forever.
I'll do my best. Did... Did you like my flower?
- You sent me a flower? - You didn't get it?
No, but this is great news!
It is?
If you sent me a flower, that means other people may have, too.
OK, ouch.
Chastity must have thrown them away.
I knew it! She's still upset about finding me and Joey in the closet.
It was upsetting.
But destroying someone's flowers, that's low.
Even for a popular girl.
Kat was right, she is a teenage Long Duk Dong.
- Sorry, who? - The dictator of North Korea.
It's OK, I didn't know either.
She shouldn't get away with this.
You should call her out on it.
She'd kick me off the squad.
Or maybe others would follow you.
- You could start a rebellion. - Why would they follow me?
You don't even realize your effect on people.
They're drawn to you. They wanna be around you.
All the time. Forever and ever.
But not in a creepy way.
Thanks, Cameron.
So you'll still be my friend if I have to join show choir?
Of course I will. And, uh...
...the AV club's always looking for members.
God, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
- Ouch. - And Cameron...
...thanks for the flower.
[laughs]
Get it through your head!
I'm not interested!
Gotcha.
Oh, my God! These Pompeiis are amazing!
Ten minutes, girls.
You heard her, ten minutes!
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
Someone in this group has betrayed me.
In fact, she's betrayed the bonds of cheerleader sisterhood.
And what makes it so much worse
is that that person is in a position of leadership.
Chastity, I have something to say.
And what would that be...
...mascot?
Michelle said you're too fat to be on top of the pyramid.
No! What? No! I didn't say that!
- No! Girls, back me up. - No, she kind of did. Really loud.
May I speak with you outside?
No. They're taking it out of context.
The next thing I said was, "Just kidding!"
- No. - No?
Outside.
- [girl] She's gonna get it. - [girl 2] That was awesome.
[doorbell rings]
I have a package here for Dr. Stratford.
- That's me. Where's Carla? - She wanted to swap routes.
It's fine by me. There are a lot of foxy stay-at-home moms on this block.
Well...
...if you see her, tell her...
...good luck.
Excuse me.
Which way are the foxy moms?
Shame on you. You're married.
[tires screech]
Let me guess, officer.
I should be wearing a helmet?
I just have one thing to say to you: I'm not that girl.
What girl?
The girl who's turned on by this bad boy crap.
I'm not skipping home to scribble in my journal that maybe you're a vampire.
Noted.
Don't beat people up for me. I can do that myself.
I'm sure you can, but I didn't beat anybody up.
- Yeah, right. - Scout's honor.
Now, do you mind?
[revs engine]
Helmet!
- [revving engine] - I'm sorry, what?
What was that all about?
I don't even know.
Come on. Let's get outta this hell-hole.
- Wish I could, but I've got detention. - They finally found your graffiti?
Um...
- Yeah. - Bummer.
All right. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Can't wait. - Bye.
[# Junk: Life Is Good]